Makin’ Cookies: The Almost True Story

The process is nearly rote now, even though I only bake cookies once a year, twice at most: nearly always at Christmas, and less reliably near July 4th.

Sugar, brown sugar, shortening, vanilla, eggs: beat until creamy and light and most of the sugar crystals have gone smooth. The flour, soda, and salt look on from a nearby bowl supervising. Forget to pre-heat the oven.

Lick the beaters, or if you must, pass the beaters to a small person(s) to lick. Sneak a lick off each beater as you hand it to a small person. Keep your back turned so they don’t notice. If they catch you anyway, tell them you are testing the dough. Make the small people share if there are more than two. Forget, accidentally-on-purpose, about raw eggs.

Throw the flour on top of the creamified sweetness and with a sturdy spoon, stir a bit. By now the envious flour will be mostly incorporated and the dough will begin to look like dough more than ingredients. Add the chopped pecans and Nestle Toll House Semi-sweet Chocolate Morsels ®. Accept no substitutes. Not even Hershey’s ®.

cookie dough2014

Forget that this last stirring is nearly impossible with a spoon, no matter how sturdy. Ditch the spoon and dive in hands first. Forget how the dough tries to become one with your rings. Cuss. Forget about the small people gleefully engrossed in sugared raw-egg lollipops. Hope they didn’t hear, or at worst, won’t repeat to their parents (in this case, my brothers, and my sisters-in-law).

Remove dough-encrusted rings and set them aside. You can clean them later, when you clean up the nieces and nephews (or your siblings, your kids, your grandkids — reader’s choice). Squish the dough between now naked fingers a few more times. Watch for dry patches and spaces where the flour is still just flour. Fix those dry bits with an energetic massage. Like that.

Realize that you “forgot” to pre-heat the oven and do that now. Meanwhile, enlist the pint-sized nieces and nephews to start making walnut-sized balls of cookie dough. Show them, again — same as last time — how big, exactly, a walnut-sized ball of cookie dough is. Otherwise, be prepared for the biggest balls of cookie-dough you’ve ever seen.

“That one says, ‘Ryan’s’.”

“No way, Mister. Make like four out of that one.”


Remember showing their parents how to do this when we were only slightly less pint-sized than these characters. Ok, maybe I was the one who wasn’t pint-sized, but I was only a quart, not a full gallon or even half-gallon.

Place the finger-marked, lopsided cookie dough balls on the cookie sheet at about two inches apart; you should be able to get a dozen on a cookie sheet, and with luck, two cookie sheets each round. Set the timer for 8, 10 or 12 minutes. This depends on your oven. Twelve usually works best at Mom’s (and also at my sister-in-law’s).

Take the intervening minutes to wash small hands and faces clean of illicit, raw-egg cookie makings. Remember to wash your rings while you’re at it. Find a walnut-size ball of uncookie in a pocket. Scold. Try not to laugh. At least not right now.

Wait for the magic to happen around minute 9 or 10. Turn on the oven light to give a peek, but don’t open the oven door (you’ll mess up the temperature). Flicking the switch on that light does something to people while the still pale-ish cookie dough has not quite converted to its soon-to-be cookie self.

The brothers and their respective wives, Mom, and all the small people start hovering in and around the kitchen. There is talk of milk. Is it cold? Is there enough? How many glasses do we need? Give an eye roll to conceal delight. Threaten anyone standing too near the cookie landing zone with loss of life and limb. Don’t mean it. Smile. Oh, go on, giggle.

Once everyone’s had a look, turn off the oven light. Look for the cooling racks and a spatula. Ask (again) where the paper towels are. Check the timer. Still two-ish minutes to go. Try not to pace.

When the hundred last seconds have passed, slow like the wait for Christmas, and the timer finally bings, turn on the oven light one last time. The cookies should now look done, shiny with melty shortening or butter, but clearly cookies. Experience tells you that the shine will fade as the cookies cool.

Slip the oven mitt over your hand and slide the first tray out of the oven. Identify your landing area and make the removal a clean one. There are hoverers all around, the kitchen crowded with bodies and cookie heat. Swipe the spatula under each row and gently release them to the freedom of the cooling rack.

Warn small people about heat while watching a big hand reach around and snag the first boiling cookie. He juggles it, but the cookie is safe. Broken in his palm, but safe. When the moms say go, little hands reach up, too, then march dutifully to the table where ice-cold cups of milk await. There are dippers and sippers, between them the first batch of cookies has been cut in half in a matter of breaths.


Now, you are alone with the rolling of walnut-sized cookie dough balls, the timing and the sliding and the cooling. Tummies small and large are warm and full of cookies and milk and have retired to the latest round of Minecraft or Skyrim in the next room.

Only you remain. Sacrificing yourself for the sake of a cookie broken on the end of the spatula, or, heaven forbid, the tiniest uncookie known to man — the last bit in the bowl.

As the last pans of cookies come out of the hot oven, lean against the kitchen counter listening to the joy, the warmth, the competition, the sheer family-ness of the moment in the other room – nearby, but still removed. Know that neither they, nor you, could possibly be this satisfied more than once or twice a year, at most.

Don’t forget to turn off the oven.


3 thoughts on “Makin’ Cookies: The Almost True Story

  1. I could feel the texture of the uncookies, smell them baking, and hear the murmur of family. Contented sigh, by proxy. 🙂

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